Feb. 11th, 2010

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I didn't get the job. I knew I probably wouldn't- I don't have anywhere near enough experience- but I'm disappointed all the same, and I REALLY could have done with the money. I'm desperately trying to pay off my overdraft (from my student bank account, urgh), so every penny is sacred, and even buying something costing a mere couple of quid causes much angsting and guilt. I'm a bit too scared to check my balance, I don't want to know how much of my money gets eaten up in travel fares. Oh well. Soon, I will make a big list of all the things I will buy when it is actually *my* money again, to keep my motivation going.

I appear to have fallen in a sort of emotional black hole recently. I keep having dramatic, scary mood swings that descend in minutes and leave me shaking and tearful. And for some unknown reason, they seem to be most common in the evening. It's all the usual anxieties- I'm repulsively hideous, I'm laughably stupid, I'm a rubbish person, etc etc blah blah blah. It all feels a bit yucky and adolescent and self-indulgent, but I can't seem to shift it. And then I feel guilty about feeling so miserable, which makes me feel even more miserable. I'm starting to wonder if the weekly counselling sessions are doing more harm than good. I like my counsellor and everything, but maybe it's all encouraging me to more introspective than is healthy. Too much self-analysis. Maybe I should quit them, and just learn to grit my teeth and pull myself together. I'm not a teenager any more, I should be able to function better by now!

Earlier today, whilst in my local friendly library, I noticed that a sequel has recently been released to Six Dinner Sid. Six Dinner Sid, for those of you who didn't grow up in a feline-focused household, is a children's book about a rather greedy cat, who cons a street-load of cat lovers in to giving him six meals a day. From what I can tell, it's been rather successful as far as picture books go, so I'm a bit baffled as to why the author has waited quite so many decades to produce a follow up. Also, the plot features considerably more peril this time round (including a dramatic sequence where Sid's new friend, Jock the Scottish wild cat, gets abducted by a grumpy eagle), but yeah; anyone who likes cute children's books about sneaky cats, I reccomend it, especially if you remember the first book.

Plug time: I'm dj-ing at No Fiction club at Powers in Kilburn tomorrow night. It's free entry, the drinks are pretty cheap, and there's a late night milkshake bar just over the road from the venue. A couple of bands are playing too; Raven beats Crow, and Neon Highwire. I haven't really sat down and listened to either of them yet, but I'm sure they're very good, especially if you're partial to the odd synthesizer. Due to above-mentioned gloomy phase I'm in at the moment, I'm finding the whole actual leaving-the-house-and-going-places thing a bit daunting right now, so it be lovely to see some of your familiar faces there.

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October 2013

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